IN THE BLING KING PARADISE...

Right. As they say in rap circles ... "SHIT JUST GOT DEEP"

Here's the new rising rap talent from the UK - "Bling King" with one of his popular tracks (and my personal favourite) "Bling Bling Paradise"

LISTEN TO BLING BLING PARADISE

He's been on the scene for a short while now and has become something of a local celebrity in his local area (the isle of wight) as well as further afield (thanks to the wonders of facebook).

I'm a very big fan - this is genuinely music and personal expression at the very bleeding edge of EVERYTHING.

You can watch MTV any day of the week and see idiots like Kanye (spastic) West or Urine Diddy jumping around shouting about how you need a bazillion pounds to get into their exclusive "act like a fucking bastard" club. You will not find Bling King videos on heavy rotation on MTV (yet!). You could cite lack of popularity as one reason why he's not played alongside established artists, but I think that would be missing the point. No, there is another reason why this music is not of interest to MTV - and it is for this reason that it is potentially groundbreaking in todays rap climate.

Bling King is not selling us anything. He is giving something out.

As stated in his now classic song "Bling King Paradise":

"Anyone who wants to be in the Bling Bling paradise can!"

This is such an important line. It blows wide the doors of Kanyes mansion of exclusivity and screams "FUCK OFF" right into the main ballroom. It urinates into John Legends swimming pool until the chemical indicator turns it entirely purple . It's a lyrical representation of the breaking down of rap, back to its roots - back to a more hip-hop mentality when the "scene" wasn't groaning at the seams with misogyny, drugs, violence and brainless consumerism.

If todays rap music is a stone wall - the Bling King represents dynamite. Or, at the very least, some kind of advanced power drill with hammer functionality.

Now, all this would be awesome enough were it not for the fact that the Bling King has recently stepped up his campaign to an entirely new level. He has enrolled for X-Factor in 2012.

Not content with turning the rap world on its head, he's now got his not insubstantial sights trained on Simon Cowell. As a beacon of rampant consumerism and flat out, calculating cuntiness, Simon Cowell is the polar opposite of Bling King. With his effortless lyricism and his inclusive message, I think we could see him shake up the X-Factor big time. I just hope that he is ready to take his opportunity and he doesn't get morphed into yet another commercial product when he (inevitably) wins the contest - he must stay true to his roots and bring a genuine, street level message to the people who need to hear it most.

When he's performing at Wembley Arena, as the gold showers the stage during his 2nd encore, I hope that he remembers his own words,

"It means nuttin' to me"

JOIN BLING KING ON FACEBOOK

*For those lucky enough to have been spared the pain of holidaying at his disgustingly opulent and tasteless home - John is prone to accidentally urinating himself through excitement and/or fear when he is swimming and has his pool regularly topped up with chemical indicator for this very reason.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A PA IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY

Well, I was working as PA for Camerons office when I heard he was late for a very important meeting. He was due to attempt to steamroller through a bill that would completely crush trade unionism in the UK by outlawing the unions themselves. Everyone was there and waiting for him to sign it, they couldn't WAIT to see yet more power taken OUT of the hands of the common (idiotic) men and women of the UK.

It turns out David (or Dave-O as his friends, such as myself, are permitted to call him) had snapped his pen whilst signing autographs for a bunch of 6 year old kids at Great Ormond Street hospital that very morning and who was to get the task of speedily getting a new pen to him ? Yep, you guessed it, muggins here ! Well, I say muggins, but it's always a joy to serve the glorious leader and I must admit I am somewhat disgusted at myself for insintuating otherwise.

So, as quickly as I could I boarded his private plane at heathrow - bound for London city airport. The pilot said there wasn't enough fuel being wasted to 'tally things up right' in his logbook but he finally agreed to fly if I promised to open all the petrol caps and let fuel just piss out into the atmosphere as we flew. It was some ride, I tell you ! I even held a lighter to the trails at one point (out of the window) and we burned "FUCK OFF PLEBS, TONIGHT WE SHALL DINE ON SUCH FINE FAYRES THAT ONE SUCH MEAL WILL COST MORE THAN YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE!" into the sky over Bermondsey.

Anyways, after we had written more socially inappropriate/monetarily based abuse over several more of Londons less desirable boroughs, we began our descent into London city. Who did we see on the runway ? Yes, you guessed it, it was Dave-O (or D-Cam as he's known to super close personal friends such as myself) running alongside us as we drew closer to the ground. He was marvellous, the plane must have still been doing well in excess of 100 miles an hour but he wasn't even breaking a sweat. It didn't even look like he was running, it was more like a graceful glide. There were lights coming off him, too, as if he was god.

Quick as a flash I threw the window open and leaned out as far as I could, parker papermate pen in my outstretched hand. Then there were the noises of celestial trumpets and a load of cherubs flew in behind the majestic figure of D-Cam in full glide and began to lift him. He fixed me with a look and all of a sudden I knew everything was going to be alright, as he softly yet VERY confidently took the pen from my fingertips I felt for a brief, fleeting moment what it must be like to be him. His thoughts transfused into me, everything was chaos but above it all was his iron fist of reason - smashing down again and again with damning rationality. Just as the abyss of absolute reason and sense began to yawn open before me the pen was out of my hand and I was back, leaning out of the plane window. We'd touched down hours ago, and the treaty had been signed DAYS ago. D-Cam had been in possession of such blindingly omnipotent foresight that his past self deemed his future selfs efforts to be an unneccesary waste of energy. In the end it turns out he'd then wound up taking TWO pens instead of ONE to the hospital, thus enabling him to go on to his signing of the 'FUCK THE POPULACE' decree AND sign a LOT more autographs for sick children, thereby bringing a ray of light into their lives that will forever enrobe them in a blue rainbow of anti-disease saintlyhood for ever and ever.

STAR WARS RAGE !

I'm sure there's plenty of people who've already seen this, but I can attest to it being as good as anything I could make regarding hatred of 'the new saga' or whatever the fuck films 1-3 (or 4-6 if you're not a chronologically fucked loner/dickhead who lives in complete physical and social isolation) are called. 70 minutes or thereabouts of hatred lovingly spooned over all three episodes, taking in everything that would piss anyone in their right mind RIGHT OFF.

I would dearly love to launch into a multi paragraph rant about what a complete fucking bastard-arsehole-prick I think George Lucas is but, well, it's all laid on here already :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI

OH DEAR OH DEAR OH FUCKING DEAR

OH, LOOK, "IT'S HAD A NIGHTMARE"

Right, so, um, yeah. It's been brought to my attention that I should 'resurrect' this blog - purely as a platform for the verbal dogshit that was promised at the outset.

I'm not particularly sure why it was 'abandoned' in the first place, save for the fact that I already have 'a facebooks' and this accounts for the majority of my online rantings. However, facebook has been troubling me recently as a few people have decided to do 'backchat' and 'dumb insolence'. The fucking nerve of it. Plus, it's almost unsettling when ones opinions on a group of people are reinforced by the behaviour of said group. No one likes to be right (all the time). I started thinking I might be god, so I decided it was time to take a step back. I don't even know where god lives.

So, I'm taking the line of least resistance (not to mention the popular one) and getting back on here with a view to ranting ON and ON and ON about the minutia of various completely mundane things and/or occurences. I might occasionally 'review' things in a completely cack handed and insufferable manner, too, either enthusing laboriously (and painfully) about things I like or rubbishing things to the nth (pointless) degree if I'm 'not a fan'. I might try and implement a 'like' function on this blog, for the sole purpose of tricking people into liking things I think are shit so I can be like 'ner ner ya fuckin spastic you thought!' and re-kindle a little of 'that facebook flair' for which I am so infamous and, if I may be allowed to be big-headed about things, universally despised.

I don't think I'm going to bother with 'typo' correction, either. There's no point. Pete Steele is dead, eh. He was hardly a positive individual, either, so double checking my grammar was always going to meet with a negative outcome when I ran it by him. I'm kind of glad, to be honest, all that 'black number one' business was a bit too 'inverse racist' for my liking, despite their lyrics blatantly attesting to the fact that the song was actually about hair dye.

One web-horror that was featured earlier on in this blog was removed from teh inertweaves for taste reasons but is now back, fouler than ever and with a built in dungeon... I'm happy to report the return of the BADREMIX group to youtube, you can find their stuff here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/BADREMIX1OO < IT'S UTTER SHIT, ENJOY !

And here is the entrance to THE DUNGEON (well worth adventuring within)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1o3cJBJR8Q

Aside from that, those of you who are (un)lucky enough to use facebook can check out a bomb I planted last year which has just blown up in the last 24 hours. The debris is still falling, and there's little stickers attached to all the chunks saying "LOLZ" on one side and "FUCK OFF" on the other. If this sounds like your cup of tea and/or you wish to read the deeply confused and self righteous/violent shite spoken by advocates of the 'free party scene' then check here:
https://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=10150119298525533

If you notice in the comments, there's at least 10 instances where I tell them "in queens english" (lol) that the page IS a windup and they ARE being trolled. I've even got a fucking picture of the billy goats gruff in there. I dunno. Some people. "this country"

Bad Lieutenant - Port of call New Orleans

I watched this film a few days back and thought I'd write up a little about it, being as it was actually a lot better than I had imagined it would be.

For starters, it's starring Nic Cage. Now, this is a man who has appeared in some truly GREAT movies over the years but has somewhat been stuck in shitsville of late (from a script point of view, anyways). In this film we see something of the old Cage, a flicker of insanity here and there backed up with a mostly solid performance. He's given plenty of material to work with and his character has a nice arc through the movie. The only thing I'm slightly dubious about is his hair, but then that's been an 'issue' in all the recent stuff he's been in. Plus, I'm not really one to criticize hairstyles - what with being a member of the Larry David school of scalp style and all :-s

OOOOPS I DID IT AGAIN !

The second thing that interested me about this movie was the fact that it's directed by LEGEND Werner Herzog. I thought it was an odd, odd movie for both these two to get involved in. It's a cross between a sequel and a re-imagining of the original bad lieutenant, which in itself was both critically lauded and hated in equal measure. I appreciated the point the original movie was making, to some extent, but the languid pacing and brutal, stark view of the 'lieutenant' and his activities didn't exactly make for compelling viewing. The original Tobe Hooper directed movie is a haze of self abuse, victimization and unsubtle religious symbolism. When I heard there was to be a 'sequel' I thought it'd be a straight to bargain bin rush job, merely designed to titillate and revile in equal predictable measure. I couldn't have been more wrong. What we have here is a film that is both more accomplished than it's predecessor AND a lot more entertaining for the viewer.

While I appreciate that the 'draw' of bad lieutenant WAS watching the grinding misery and self-destruction unfold, Herzog has told a similar tale whilst managing to eschew a lot of what he could easily have carried over with from the 1st part. The film doesn't feel like it's 'missing' anything as a result, and picks up a lot more pace as a consequence. Also, Cage's lieutenant is far less isolated than the character in the first movie - having a wide selection of friends and contacts on both sides of the law. His is a more cavalier balancing act, juggling plates and laughing as they smash. Harvey Kietel's original take on the character was a perfectly acted, slippery descent into misery. In all honesty I think Kietels performance was more POWERFUL, but rendered almost mute by the ham fisted way in which the rest of the film was handled. The new film gives the main character less time to sit and reflect, this time out it's more about action and the scenes move quickly and purposefully.

The presumption that many will make, also, is that Herzog was perhaps NOT the man for the job. I would take umbrage at this, as he has handled the task admirably. Albeit he's made some of the best visceral/deep cinema in the past but he's not flexing these muscles so blatantly here - seemingly preferring to stick with tight narrative whilst occasionally blindsiding the viewer with bizarrely reflective shots and lingering, almost illusory images. This WORKS and I had the feeling throughout of a story being told by someone who knows when NOT to over flourish. This was a problem that affected the first movie to a great extent. Misery is one thing but a 2 hour visual compounding of it can only desensitize and bore the viewer, no ?

New Orleans itself provides a powerful backdrop and a sleepier, more chaotic vision of life than the 1st films setting. I'm not even sure where the 1st movie was set, can't remember, I'd imagine New York perhaps. You would have difficulty not remembering where Herzogs version takes place - the flood waters of New Orleans receding to leave detritus and naked destruction, casting the town itself as an evolving character in the piece.

HELLO EVA MENDES I AM TEH BAD LIEUTENANTS !

With New Orleans as key, the main theme in this film would appear to be reform and change from devastation and failure into order and success. This is at odds with and, basically, opposite of the feeling one is left with after watching Hoopers far more harrowing original. His version is all about the characters descent into incapable, directionless malaise and the decaying of everything around him. Herzog tells a tale that could be classed as 'positive' in a great many ways, from the mending of the broken relationships within his substance dependent family through to the eventual 'busting' of a murderer and Cage's characters subsequent promotion to (bad?) Captain. While the film is still clearly a damning indictment of the way certain people will abuse their power, I couldn't help but warm to Cage's character.

I felt a lot more satisfied with the ending of this movie over the previous film. True, it doesn't tie everything up and still shows us that even after the character has everything he could wish for - he's still BAD (perhaps ?). It's a gentler way of doing so, though, making the Cage version of the character seem almost aimless by the end as opposed to driven to destruction as was the case with Kietels portrayal. This addiction to pattern behaviour as much as the substances/behaviours themselves is a more interesting thing to focus on, I feel. Even when faced with success and a stable life, the lieutenant doesn't seem to know how to be happy - still endlessly seeking out some form of illicit thrill, still attempting to veer onto the wrong road. I think this is something a lot more people will identify with and it result in a more rounded character (and movie as a result) compared to the relentlessly unpleasant outlook/content of the previous movie.

While this was by no means a GREAT movie, I think it actually eclipses the initial version. For me, it was far more entertaining and the characters were a lot better - more rounded as opposed to the mostly one sided scumbags/parasites that peopled the first part. Hopefully Herzog will make some more movies with Nic Cage, as they really seem to work well together and I feel that Cage (or at least the OLD Cage) is capable of some really great, frenzied acting. If Werner is able to bring this to the fore and control it he may well have another Kinski on his hands. That would be a truly great thing :-)

HERZOG AND KINSKI

HAPPY TIMES !

Facebook as a way to doom your career

It's utterly inane how much 'spam' and 'self promotion' stuff I receive from people on facebook. I mean, there's even been times when I've thought 'is it me ? Should I be whoring my every activity out for all to see/read/hear? IS THIS THE DONE THING?' but I've decided that silence is the best option.

I think it's partly TEH INTERNETS to blame but also there's a pervading air of arrogance about all this stuff that kinda brings me down. Music and art shouldn't be about self promotion and validation. If you're looking for that then you should probably fuck off. HOWEVER, there now seem to be so many people on that particular 'tip' that it's making such behaviour perfectly acceptable.

THIS IS HOW I FEEL MOST DAYS WHEN I CHECK FACEBOOK
BUT THERE ARE ALSO BEAMS COMING OUT MY EYES

Imagine you got mail every day from the same person. It's not anything regarding YOU personally and is clearly a generic mailout featuring nothing but trumpet blowing on the authors part. It'd get annoying. At the very least you'd be questioning why it kept arriving. Well, the internet facilitates this on a far more grandiose level. With the postman taken out of the equation you can receive as many mailings as your tormentor can produce mouse clicks.

I've recently culled yet another load of people who endlessly send me the same crap mailout about their music or whatever it is that they do, clearly under the illusion that having more 'fans' on facebook will somehow make a world of difference to them. To be honest, it probably does. Oh, the irony.

Wouldn't you rather people actually BECAME your fans as opposed to asking them "so, um, do you think I'm good ? Do you want to say you're a FAN of me ?". It's all so pathetic and unlolzy. Anyone who fires me more than a few requests about the same thing is BINNED and a black mark goes against their name. Am I the ONLY ONE who behaves in such a manner, I'll warrant not. So, try just letting whatever it is that you do speak for itself - don't shove it in peoples faces a billion times a day just because you CAN.

I should probably confine my 'efforts' to a place such as this over facebook. Facebook does nothing these days but rile me. "Empty vessels make the most noise". My page is full of people being very noisy, most days. Plus, people can come here to read my opinion if they feel like it. They can't, however, complain about it really - it's my party (here) and I'll menstruate heavily if I so desire :-) Facebook encourages some kind of insidious social micro climate where everyone seems to feel it's their god given right to make their opinions known on absolutely EVERYTHING.

ONE FINAL MOAN: I wish people would QUIT posting tracks and videos with 'ooh check me out playing my classic track here' or whatever. That's for OTHER people to do. You don't decide your own work is classic. Especially when it's holding on for dear life to the edge of AVERAGE. I think this is a major problem these days, I've always found in interesting artists they mostly feel their work is poor/could be better. THIS provides artistic drive, as there's always more to be done to reach unattainable perfection. It would seem there's an awful lot of people out there labouring under the illusion that they're already there.

"here's my new release on x*, gonna be a stormer it's BIG". With this attitude can the music in question ever be presumed to be anything but complete bollocks ? Discuss.

*insert meaningless label, desperately trying all avenues to justify its existence.

Teh bad remixkcses crew

This stuff was brought to my attention lately, and I'm SERIOUSLY glad it was. I'm not 100% sure who's all behind it but I know that I approve. There needs to be more genuine comedy in music, to balance out all the SRS stuff that's around nowadays. Maybe Britain needs a war on our own soil to bring about some happy/nonsense songs again ? There have been precious few true gibberish classics since the ol' ww eye eye...

During my masturbatory perambulations through time, I've observed that countries and/or tribes historically steeped in war have a predisposition to develop more positive/brighter art. I'm not saying this holds true 100%, I mean look at Picasso and the Guernica - we all know what that was based on (well, most of you probably don't but that's not my fucking problem go study art history or something). On the other hand Spain were never constantly at war for any major period of time - they've had their troubles BUT they can't really be likened to, say, feudal nations in central Africa (who produce totally sweet music and blow fuck out of things with monotonous regularity, thus in some way validating my point). I'd say the Guernica was more of a disgusted, visceral reaction to something that Picasso found hard to comprehend, as most would (especially with no points of reference for such an incident in his life)

A SMALL SECTION OF THE GUERNICA
FEATURING THE DISTRESSED HORSE

Anyway, I'm through trying to justify why Picasso chose to 'do' the Guernica. The main thing I'm thankful for is that there, centre of the piece, (and it's fucking BIG I've seen it) is a horse in mortal terror. The look on its face is perfect, absolutely HILARIOUS. Actually, maybe Picasso WAS trying to make a humorous statement with this after all. I'm glad I've thought this out. All these years I just thought he was just, well, a bit bitter.

RIGHT well, here's where we get to the actual meat and vegetables of the post. Here, in all their glory, I present three tracks from TEH BAD REMICKS CREW !

You have to go to youtube to watch them, on account of this fucking page cutting off half the video :-s PEST
Anyways here are the links !

KE$HA GABBA MELTDOWN
SUBO HARDTEK KICKOFF
LEADBELLY FACEMELTER

ENJOY !!! MAKE SURE TO GIVE THEM ALL 5 STARS !!!