A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A PA IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY

Well, I was working as PA for Camerons office when I heard he was late for a very important meeting. He was due to attempt to steamroller through a bill that would completely crush trade unionism in the UK by outlawing the unions themselves. Everyone was there and waiting for him to sign it, they couldn't WAIT to see yet more power taken OUT of the hands of the common (idiotic) men and women of the UK.

It turns out David (or Dave-O as his friends, such as myself, are permitted to call him) had snapped his pen whilst signing autographs for a bunch of 6 year old kids at Great Ormond Street hospital that very morning and who was to get the task of speedily getting a new pen to him ? Yep, you guessed it, muggins here ! Well, I say muggins, but it's always a joy to serve the glorious leader and I must admit I am somewhat disgusted at myself for insintuating otherwise.

So, as quickly as I could I boarded his private plane at heathrow - bound for London city airport. The pilot said there wasn't enough fuel being wasted to 'tally things up right' in his logbook but he finally agreed to fly if I promised to open all the petrol caps and let fuel just piss out into the atmosphere as we flew. It was some ride, I tell you ! I even held a lighter to the trails at one point (out of the window) and we burned "FUCK OFF PLEBS, TONIGHT WE SHALL DINE ON SUCH FINE FAYRES THAT ONE SUCH MEAL WILL COST MORE THAN YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE!" into the sky over Bermondsey.

Anyways, after we had written more socially inappropriate/monetarily based abuse over several more of Londons less desirable boroughs, we began our descent into London city. Who did we see on the runway ? Yes, you guessed it, it was Dave-O (or D-Cam as he's known to super close personal friends such as myself) running alongside us as we drew closer to the ground. He was marvellous, the plane must have still been doing well in excess of 100 miles an hour but he wasn't even breaking a sweat. It didn't even look like he was running, it was more like a graceful glide. There were lights coming off him, too, as if he was god.

Quick as a flash I threw the window open and leaned out as far as I could, parker papermate pen in my outstretched hand. Then there were the noises of celestial trumpets and a load of cherubs flew in behind the majestic figure of D-Cam in full glide and began to lift him. He fixed me with a look and all of a sudden I knew everything was going to be alright, as he softly yet VERY confidently took the pen from my fingertips I felt for a brief, fleeting moment what it must be like to be him. His thoughts transfused into me, everything was chaos but above it all was his iron fist of reason - smashing down again and again with damning rationality. Just as the abyss of absolute reason and sense began to yawn open before me the pen was out of my hand and I was back, leaning out of the plane window. We'd touched down hours ago, and the treaty had been signed DAYS ago. D-Cam had been in possession of such blindingly omnipotent foresight that his past self deemed his future selfs efforts to be an unneccesary waste of energy. In the end it turns out he'd then wound up taking TWO pens instead of ONE to the hospital, thus enabling him to go on to his signing of the 'FUCK THE POPULACE' decree AND sign a LOT more autographs for sick children, thereby bringing a ray of light into their lives that will forever enrobe them in a blue rainbow of anti-disease saintlyhood for ever and ever.

STAR WARS RAGE !

I'm sure there's plenty of people who've already seen this, but I can attest to it being as good as anything I could make regarding hatred of 'the new saga' or whatever the fuck films 1-3 (or 4-6 if you're not a chronologically fucked loner/dickhead who lives in complete physical and social isolation) are called. 70 minutes or thereabouts of hatred lovingly spooned over all three episodes, taking in everything that would piss anyone in their right mind RIGHT OFF.

I would dearly love to launch into a multi paragraph rant about what a complete fucking bastard-arsehole-prick I think George Lucas is but, well, it's all laid on here already :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI

OH DEAR OH DEAR OH FUCKING DEAR

OH, LOOK, "IT'S HAD A NIGHTMARE"

Right, so, um, yeah. It's been brought to my attention that I should 'resurrect' this blog - purely as a platform for the verbal dogshit that was promised at the outset.

I'm not particularly sure why it was 'abandoned' in the first place, save for the fact that I already have 'a facebooks' and this accounts for the majority of my online rantings. However, facebook has been troubling me recently as a few people have decided to do 'backchat' and 'dumb insolence'. The fucking nerve of it. Plus, it's almost unsettling when ones opinions on a group of people are reinforced by the behaviour of said group. No one likes to be right (all the time). I started thinking I might be god, so I decided it was time to take a step back. I don't even know where god lives.

So, I'm taking the line of least resistance (not to mention the popular one) and getting back on here with a view to ranting ON and ON and ON about the minutia of various completely mundane things and/or occurences. I might occasionally 'review' things in a completely cack handed and insufferable manner, too, either enthusing laboriously (and painfully) about things I like or rubbishing things to the nth (pointless) degree if I'm 'not a fan'. I might try and implement a 'like' function on this blog, for the sole purpose of tricking people into liking things I think are shit so I can be like 'ner ner ya fuckin spastic you thought!' and re-kindle a little of 'that facebook flair' for which I am so infamous and, if I may be allowed to be big-headed about things, universally despised.

I don't think I'm going to bother with 'typo' correction, either. There's no point. Pete Steele is dead, eh. He was hardly a positive individual, either, so double checking my grammar was always going to meet with a negative outcome when I ran it by him. I'm kind of glad, to be honest, all that 'black number one' business was a bit too 'inverse racist' for my liking, despite their lyrics blatantly attesting to the fact that the song was actually about hair dye.

One web-horror that was featured earlier on in this blog was removed from teh inertweaves for taste reasons but is now back, fouler than ever and with a built in dungeon... I'm happy to report the return of the BADREMIX group to youtube, you can find their stuff here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/BADREMIX1OO < IT'S UTTER SHIT, ENJOY !

And here is the entrance to THE DUNGEON (well worth adventuring within)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1o3cJBJR8Q

Aside from that, those of you who are (un)lucky enough to use facebook can check out a bomb I planted last year which has just blown up in the last 24 hours. The debris is still falling, and there's little stickers attached to all the chunks saying "LOLZ" on one side and "FUCK OFF" on the other. If this sounds like your cup of tea and/or you wish to read the deeply confused and self righteous/violent shite spoken by advocates of the 'free party scene' then check here:
https://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=10150119298525533

If you notice in the comments, there's at least 10 instances where I tell them "in queens english" (lol) that the page IS a windup and they ARE being trolled. I've even got a fucking picture of the billy goats gruff in there. I dunno. Some people. "this country"